Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

What happened to the other hiker??!

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything