Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

The Eggorcist

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough