Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.