Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.