Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Math at Halloween.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
why neck hurt
