Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Matt Goss
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.