Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations