Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Comparing yourself to others
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car