[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I can fix him.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.