Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

Is anyone gonna tell them?

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Every work call, he judges.

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.