Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

Investing in beetcoin

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

New menu item

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁