Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.