Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Punctuation Matters. Period.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Basketball
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.