Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
🤣
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip