Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Is this you?

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.