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discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Seems kinda suspicious
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
me when I see my crush
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*