Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

I missed you with all my darts

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.