Nailed it…ποΈππ
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I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
There is no “we” in pizza
If youβre a tire company you shouldnβt say you work tirelessly
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
he was correct
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me Iβm curious
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: Iβm not hungry
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
ππ€£
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
So last night I had a dream that the guy Iβm crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners