“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
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Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
mom had nothing to worry about
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”