Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂