“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
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I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Leonardo DiCaprisun