Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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catch me on valentine’s day like

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?