When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there