Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls