Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
the three branches of government
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
i wish i could marry a nap
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.