Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
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WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
looks legit
When you put it that way… 😂
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table