Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.