Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
[montage of me giving-up]
philosophical skeletons be like
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Lmao
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I think the cat got the dog high.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.