Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
dark side of the loom
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
technique
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Good morning
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks