Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
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doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Expect the unexporcupine.