Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
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Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
You have been warned.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already