Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.