Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone