Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
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Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Now colored!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.