Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

We were playing a board game. My husband and 7yo were on the same team. My 7yo as she put her arm around her dad, “dad, can you smell that? That’s the smell of victory.” It was so cute watching them lose together after I took them down.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress