Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Morning my dudes.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
