Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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WWE is French for “yes”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
called in thicc to work this morning
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.