Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

describing stardew valley

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.