Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
inventing words: clothing
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“