Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.