Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
get you a girl who
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.