Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?