*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I came this close!!!!
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.