*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
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Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go