Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Usage Guidelines
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
What a website
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]