Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway