NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
dutch is not a serious language
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?