Namaste
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[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.