Namaste
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*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Real House Wines.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
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interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient