I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
the saddest jazz hands ever
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
#parenting
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore