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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”