Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

spicy snake

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

this isn’t threatening at all

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.