name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
God tier horse name today on the sims
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”