name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
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Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
every. time.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
stop
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.