Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

When does CPR become necrophilia?

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?