Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.