Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

School be like

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me