Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
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My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.