Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
I love this❤️😁👍
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions