Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.