Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit