Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
All. The. Damn. Time.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this