Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

The best shot in the history of golf

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.