“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
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Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.