Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

we’re gonna need another temp

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”