Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.

Store clerk: Scotch?

Me: Even better.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911