Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.