Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Cardio Made Easy

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.