Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

🤣🤣

Joseph Smith, 1833

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”