Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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New comic up. “Ransom”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
due date
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
When you’re here for the treats.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.